Sunday, September 14, 2008

SEX: What If You Just Don't Want To?

Got a question (What to do with low libido/low "want to"?) from a friend, and here's what I wrote in response...

I'm just gonna ramble. Hopefully some of this will help you or someone else.

[First of all, I'd like to frame this in terms of what you like for your husband to do for you. For example, if you like him to talk, give you gifts, go shopping with you on Saturday, attend special events together, etc.... whatever it is... first, frame this question in terms of that, "what if he just didn't want to?" Hopefully, his love for you would compel him to work through his "not liking it" so that he can learn to love you in ways that speak love to you. So, as a wife, whether we "want to" or not is actually a side issue.]

Just say yes. And tell him you'll just say yes. Don't say no or beg off ever again.

When you're 85, I don't think you'll ever look back and say, "Wow, I wish we hadn't have connected THAT time. That sure did stink to kiss and hang out nekkid together. That sure was awful to reconnect and refuel in the midst of our busy lives." But I'd bet many a widow DOES look back and wonder why she ever turned that precious man down. Even when he was imperfect (which is ALWAYS). So, don't turn him down. That's a big step, but a GREAT one.

Meet this need for your husband. LOVE HIM the way you'd want him to LISTEN to you. And then, over time, let him know how much it helps you to be heard, or how much it helps you if he'll just x, y, or z. But frankly, don't expect him to change. He may not. We can only change ourselves.

Biblically, and WONDERFULLY, you're the gal. You're the one person that can rightly meet his needs in this area. (And if you don't, then you're disobeying 1 Cor. 7--perhaps unintentionally, but nonetheless, still disobeying.) AND that's the way God intended it-- for OUR good, individually and as a "one flesh" unit, and for HIS glory.

You know how all these boys (I call them boys because that's what they act like) who are 25-35 sit around addicted to video games? And porn? Studies have shown that the neurons and chemicals in their brain that fire are the SAME ones that fire off during making love. The very things that GOD built into their biology to bond them to their wives are bonding them to the computer screen or TV screen. GOD intended this great action to get your husband to be WILD about you. To connect him to you. To give him an AWESOME physical motivation to keep -- and HONOR -- that covenant. Take advantage of that beautiful plan and connect with your husband.

It's been said that women make love after they feel emotionally connected, and men make love TO feel emotionally connected. It's not always true, 100% across the board, but it IS true for the majorities of both men and women. So that helps me remember, that it's really NOT just a physical release he is looking for-- he wants to know we're OK, he wants things to BE OK between us. For me, I need to talk it out. For him, connecting physically lets him know that things ARE "OK" between us.

Another amazing thing that I've found is that the more we do it, the more I want to do it. It's like a fire that needs tending... if I let the coals burn out, it takes a lot longer the next time to get things heated back up and cooking. So, the thing I need to do is "cook" often enough that the coals don't ever get cold. When we regularly tend the fire, it never goes out. But if we do it and then wait a while and then do it again, it seems like such a duty, such a chore.

Also (I'm really going off here, but I haven't blogged all summer, can you tell?!), practice marital hedonism. Just like God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, seeking our joy and delight in HIM alone... our husbands are most delighted when they know we are so delighted by them. Don't be afraid to let loose and have a rip-roaring good time... to take real pleasure and delight in the bedroom activities you get to share with your husband. He'll love it! God gave us women all those sensitive nerve endings for EXACTLY that purpose!

Interestingly, the media has just reported about a study that shows that optimal sex only takes 3-13 minutes. We make time for everything else in the world-- three to thirteen minutes ain't NOTHIN.

But besides all that, I guess, for me, what it comes down to is a simple choice: I made a vow to love and honor and cherish this man ... and I want to do it -- not begrudgingly, not because I feel obligated, not because I took the right vitamin to balance things out in my body (although if there is something, then take it!)... but because I LOVE HIM AND HE IS GOD'S PRECIOUS GIFT TO ME. AND THE BIBLE SAYS THAT MY BODY IS HIS BODY-- AND PRAISE GOD, HE WANTS MY BODY-- STRETCHMARKED AND LUMPY THOUGH I MAY THINK IT IS. HE WANTS IT!

This is one area of our marriage that I absolutely focus on... it's not perfect, and it's not what everyone else may desire-- but I really focus in on what HE desires, and I revel in that. Out of all the stuff that takes up our time, our husband is the #1 human being on our list... we're to help him and serve him. It's not popular, but it's true.

We have this fun, laughter-inducing, amazing way to help and love and serve our husbands. Praise God for such a great, creative gift! Let's put it to good use.


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